twenty-third [[*i love you. platonically.]]

*Sorry, I just had to. That was a funny night. I was just going to let it go, but well, you had to try and correct yourself….so I was kind of forced to acknowledge it…and since I didn’t have a wittier response that night….I had to take my last chance and threw it into this.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------


So, when we first started talking, like when we knew there was a possible mutual interest, and this very blog had come up, you asked if I’d written about you. Well, it was a ‘no’ then…and, well, things change…so here goes. In all fairness, I did give a warning of sorts, granted this is not entirely as “mean” as other stuff I’ve written…but still, for me it’s a bluntness that I don’t normally have directly with possible datees. lol

It’s moreso to guys, about guys, in general, but know that in a sense it’s about You. Yeah, You.

The question of this post: WHY CAN’T YOU JUST GROW SOME BALLS AND TELL US YOU’RE NOT INTERESTED [ANYMORE]? I mean, you’re a grown man for goodness sake. Yeah, you may still be young, but you’re not in high school. Okay, maybe this wasn’t as bad as the cheating incident (which is now probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me, relationship-wise), but I don’t like being made to look like a fool, either. I mean, maybe I’m too naïve, but I’d like to think that you were different. Cliché, maybe, but true. Yes, we were quite the opposite when it came to certain things, but for me, that didn’t seem to be a bad thing...just different, and honestly, kind of fun/ny…terribly terrific.

Before it was my “vacation time”, you really wanted to hang out before I left, and conveniently work allowed us to do just so….even if a lot of the hangouts were at work. Haha …but that night you came over earned you quite a bit of points. Most guys wouldn’t come over at the last minute like that…at 10pm….to do absolutely nothing...i mean, to “help me pack”. Haha. Thanks for not judging me when I pulled a Sally move at Wendy’s when they got my burger wrong or for how I eat my Wendy’s or for talking like nobody’s business at 100mph and for not being able to balance on one foot when you tried to read my tattoo. That was a good night…a cute night. Simple, but good. Oh, and the fact that you didn’t try to kiss me…yeah. Good job. Seriously. I’ve started making judgments about guys that try to do so when I barely even know them and have the first hangout. I went to Colorado, we talked a bit and had some pretty intense textual conversation and you just seemed a little different after that, but I really didn’t think it was that big of a deal…you also said that there was something you needed to tell me about previous stuff whenever we hang out next….and well, unfortunately I never got a chance to have that conversation with you. I wanted to, I really did, I still would. In part of this conversation you mentioned how typically you end up burning bridges and then some basically and that just this once you’d finally like things to work out and be, without getting messed up. You’d like to get to know me better before making it official…you’d like to do it the “right way”, well…

Then, it was time for your vacationsss, we didn’t hang out before, but I didn’t think I had anything to worry about. The last time I saw your face (in person) was the day before you left for the West Coast (supposedly my not seeing you was all a part of your "master plan" <--which was...?). I was beyond happy the night you messaged me from the island. It was the icing on the cake of the night. The countdown to your return just couldn’t go by fast enough. That night I was even asked for my number by a friend of a friend, and politely responded, “Dude, sorry, I’m talking to someone. *insert huge cheesy smile* and obviously by our previous conversation, when I’m into someone, I’m into that person and that person only. That doesn’t fly with me, remember?” haha, but it worked and he totally respected that. I kept my fingers crossed that I’d get to see you between the two vacays, but I’m slowly learning that crossing fingers doesn’t work all too well. It made me happy, like ‘I win’ happy lol, to hear from your bestie that you’d spoken (texted) me and he hadn’t been able to get a hold of you. That made me feel a bit special lol as stupid as that sounds, I’m serious. The night your bestie and I closed together, he asked me just how much I liked you, and said he believed that and it seemed like I really did because of the genuinely ginormous smile on my face. We had a discussion about last relationships and talking tos and whatnot. I thought for sure he would have let me know if you weren’t into it. But I’m guessing maybe everything was still fine then, at least, it sure seemed like it to me. Their whole freaking family (okay, the bros) gave us both flack, but it was funny…and not overly annoying like someone we both know (the same someone that said he needed to grow a mohawk thing and muscles and rename himself ---I am sad to report he actually did cut his hair and now styles it in a faux-hawk, claiming that he always does that when he has his hair that length—I call bs) …I will say that this is the one thing I’m not looking forward to. For my sake, and yours, I really hope they know what’s going on and don’t come back from their vacation still making jokes and silly comments. Oh the perks of being into someone you work with. I really hope you read that with the sarcasm I intended. Probably not my best and brightest idea…but you can’t help certain things. I really didn’t even expect it to get as far as it did. But that’s a whole other blog. Maybe that one will be added to my book. I guess to sum it up in a sentence: You are really, really, ridiculously good-looking (okay, gorgeous in a masculine way) and I never thought you’d actually give me the time of day. Aaanyway, back to where I was going before I sidetracked, it really was like a punch in the face when you just flat out stopped talking. I tried. I tried responding, saying random crap, hey hey –ing and how was your day-ing? And nothing. One week, plus. What gives? And that counts the last thing you texted me, well hello to you, too! What a great note to end on. I thought it was funny, but when I realized that you were done, it really wasn’t that funny anymore, is that really the last thing that’s going to be said? What so suddenly changed your mind from one week to the next? I really thought you’d be the guy that could just say you couldn’t, not right now, that you just have too much going on or that it’s just not what you were looking for—but I guess that’s just my naivety coming into play again. I guess I gave you more credit than I should have, what with your Ilikebeingblunt-ness and all. Oh, and about this request you’d fulfill to the best of your ability upon your return…I guess I will make note of this if you ever decide that you regret this decision. I had something planned that you would’ve absolutely loved, I know for certain, but you missed out, baby…and you’ll never know what it was. Sucks for you. The request that I had, for me, myself and I, wasn’t even going to be something just for me…I made it about you and now it will forever be kept secret, unless something miraculous happens, I guess.

Here’s something for you, to amp up your feel-good-ness. YOU got me to stop thinking about my crushtoendallcrushes. This person that I’ve had a “thing” for all through middle school and ever since (like the guy that I haven’t outright spoken to in years, that if he were to randomly show up at my front door and ask me to do something, I’d say “HELL YES!” to…before he even finished saying whatever he was saying lol) hadn’t crossed my mind. I hadn’t really cared to randomly strike up conversation with him, just to see how he was. That says A LOT. Even my roomie/bff noticed, without me bringing it up in conversation. Beyond awesome accomplishment. I liked your stories and loved to listen to whatever it was you had to say, while rolling silverware, standing around waiting for a table or closing with you at the end of the night with your mad scientist hair. I liked everything about you, even your terrible bluntness… I just wish I would’ve gotten the chance to go on a real date and show you how I am outside of work and not as crazy nervous and jittery as I was that night we first hung out. That night you told me of your man-crush on Matthew McConaughey. Lol

All the time, you see all these people in sucky relationships full of cheating, abuse, one-sided-ness and not real interest. I wouldn’t be one of those people and I’d like to find someone that also wouldn’t be one of them. I feel like I have a lot to offer: don’t smoke (so you don’t have to kiss a hairy tongue), don’t drink (you’ll never have to worry about me making a fool out of myself while intoxicated), still have my v card (woohoo for you—well, I guess moreso if you’re “the one”…at least no one can say I’m a slut/whore I guess? Hahaha), and if you’re super into something, believe for damn well that you will have someone there to support you be it gross gory stories of the ER (the bloodier, the better), trees (im a pretty good tree pun come up with-er, I think haha), music that I don’t typically listen to (I’m up for whatever really, even if country is always blasting from my radio)…I will even help you do your freaking laundry if that means getting to spend time with you...amidst all the smelly clothes. ;) I want to be your number one fan and supporter. If I know absolutely nothing about whatever it is that you’re into, I will fix that (I’d like to hope you’d to the same)…I am the kind of person that’ll do what it takes to be with you. I will be all about you…when I like someone it’s one person, always. You can bet your life I won’t cheat on you…you can also bet your life that everyone’s already heard about you. You’ll be the first topic (or somehow worked into the topic I’m sure) to come up when I’m out with friends or if some random guy (or barelyturing20y/okid… like the one at Chili’s who apparently has never had a good server. Me bringing him refilled cherry coke apparently screamed to him that I was interested….uhhh… hahahahaa I may not have officially been in a relationship by any means, but my response [[in front of his entire freaking table—with them all staring at me]] “sorry, I’m talking to somebody right now”) decides he’d like my number. I want to also come up with fun random crap for us to do, you really don’t have to do all the work…we’re suppose to be a team, right? You can have girl *friends (note, those are two separate words), I have guy friends and I don’t want to stop talking to them, so unless you give me a reason to worry, I really am cool with it (maybe sometimes I’m too cool with it, that’s usually my problem,…gotta work on that), we don’t have to hang out everyday, if you want to, cool, if not, cool, even if that day was so crazy that all communication between us is a “Hey! What’s up?”, cool. If you’re soooo busy all you can say is “busy”, cool. BUT I’m not going a month or two without seeing you or a week or two without hearing from you, you are alive, right? You update your Facebook status, right? I think you have two seconds to type a two second text or make a two second phone call. If you like someone enough, this shouldn’t be an issue. I’ve always been a too-patient person, but love/like/anything of the sort is one thing that I’m terribly impatient with. Also, I may seem like my life is work, which is kind of a true statement, and much how He noticed I am an absolute sucker for kids (though I DO NOT want to have any in the very near future—I can wait. Everyone else’s kids will do for the time being. Haha) BUT, I will make time for you in my hectic schedule (obviously, I gave You several opportunities). Don’t ask me how I manage…but something in the color-codedness of my life somehow makes things fall into place. Yeah, maybe You summed me up quite well….but there’s more to me than just these two things.

I want to fall in love. A love that I know is real this time. The kind that you see between the cute 80-something y/o couples that have to help each other walk everywhere and get up from the couch, the ones that go to the mall all sorts of dressed up (the ladies in their bright-red lipstick and clip-on earrings and the men in their suspenders) with their walking shoes just to have an adventure for the day, the couples that still pulling-pigtails pick on each other like they did from day one….but if anything love each other more than they did when they first realized they were the person they were going to spend forever with. I want this first and a chance to spend life solely devoted to them….then bring kids into the picture. Also balancing a career…even if that means I work from home with my own business. I have wants and dreams and aspirations and I guess this situation and past ones are helping me seek what I really want, they’re letting me weed out certain people and situations and helping me understand what I truly want. I guess you could say this is the super serious and far-in-the-future part of this entry, but I write what is free flowing from my mind at the moment and I figured I’d put this out there. Why not?

I did take a successful step forward on my relationship journey, though: I upgraded from the typical Js to a K! Hah. Hey, small steps, small steps.


Lessons learned:

1. Don’t date someone you work with. It’s most likely not the best idea…almost as bad as dancing in the kitchen in plain sight of the intoxicated bar guests. Even if y’all don’t end on terrible terms, anyone and everyone that knew that something was going on between y’all at work will continue to give y’all flack…until they make an awkward enough comment that causes one or the both of you two, to take care of that issue. Oh, and if the best friend and best friends brothers (who are all basically like brothers) all work with y’all as well…that pretty much makes it an even worse idea. I guess it’s best to just leave your thoughts and feelings to yourself in this situation…even if they catch your eye and you can’t stop staring or taking advantage of every opportunity that presents itself for you to talk to said person…or for some reason have to be paired up with said person for whatever reason.

2. If your interest doesn’t make more of an effort to take you on a date or just hang out with you after the first hangout…it’s probably not going anywhere. They will do what it takes to see you, like the 10pmhangoutanddoabsolutelynothingbecauseimleavingtomorrowforaweek.

3. No matter how great/”perfect” said person seems to be, still don’t change your morals or rules you live by. You don’t want to regret it later. Take things slow, get to know each other and see where it goes. If a guy can’t wait, even for something as simple as a kiss, maybe you should reevaluate. (note that the first part was the “lesson learned” …the other stuff is stuff I’ve learned throughout my dating past).

4. Jesus will do what he can to rub it in. Always. One week later, when I gave up and realized that the talking was no longer…I went to work and on my way out of the apartment hallway to the garage, a man dressed in reflectory fireman gear was walking in. When I got to work, there was an ambulance in the parking lot. Later, I started talking to one of my co-workers and he then went and greeted a table and was making drinks and had a TON of them and I was confused, not understanding why he had so many drinks. He said they went through water quickly. They were EMTs. Today, at work, I swear every time I went to take out an order, an ambulance or fire truck would be passing by. Fuuny, J. Very funny.

5. I seem to always be super into the right CDs at the right time. Shockingly, this time it wasn’t the oh so reliable and relatable T. Swift, it was none other than The Band Perry’s self-titled CD (if you haven’t yet figured that out from my fb status updates). The lyrics to most of the songs, or the songs that I like the most or I catch-on to first have been on quite a roll for predicting the future. I don’t actually listen to half the lyrics until after the fact, and am always like “for real?!” So, I guess when the next guy comes along, I’ll have to pay attention to what I have playing in my car obnoxiously on repeat and I’ll know from the start what to expect. I’ve already mentioned sarcasm before, but just in case you haven’t figured it out, I being a bit of that here, too. Though, there is some truth/seriousness intended. Numero dos was my happy/fun song for You. I’m sure through the trusty Facebook, you can figure out the others, happy, fun, cute and the not so happy, fun or cute…

6. If you’ve been “talking” to someone and something comes up and for some reason you’re just not as into as you were/ thought you would be/ it’s not really something you want to get into after all, say so. Don’t lead a person on and then out of nowhere stop speaking. Just pull the damn bandaid off and tell them. It’ll hurt less then, than keeping the bandaid on for a long while, giving it enough time to attach to your arm hair and really stick and then ripping it off…that hurts like hell, dontcha think? Why keep something going and create a stronger attachment and ruin it all later, when you can just be straight-forward and honest about your feeling and maybe have some sort of hope of saving what could be a long-lasting friendship. I’d rather leave the relationship with a good friend than someone you try to avoid crossing paths with. So guys, grow some balls and say so. Ladies, same thing…grow a vagina and say so. Yes, I went there. It’s not just all up to the guys.

7. The timing is never going to be perfect. Even if it seems like all is going well, don't get overly excited that everything is finally falling into place, keep your guard a little up because that's when you normally get a hit out to left field. I seem to have a reoccurring case of impeccably horrible timing. One day, it will all work out...when it's suppose to. I just wish that day would hurry up and come already. I guess that's my impatientness kicking in again.

And lastly, #8, don’t date an Aggie (past, present or future). Haha Kidding…Maybe.