tenth [[oooh weee ooooh killer tofu..]]

"______ ________ ____. Since the Orientation Interview day (he was our group's leader) when we started talking about Ryan Cabrera… I don't even remember what brought it up, but that definitely gave him some points because it's rare to find a guy that likes his music…and will admit to it. Haha. I'm not sure if he was being totally serious, but he got the points nonetheless. Speaking of music, his idea for the OAs to go to the John Mayer concert caught my attention as well. John Mayer, another singer I like. Points. Then I had to kill him in assassins. Aww. I felt so bad because he didn't believe me at first, but he was such a good sport about it, and I have yet to let him down by being assassinated. At least he was just blown a kiss and not like poked or anything. Lol. And, I don't really know why, but for some reason when he talks to me…(although it's like two words and usually is "So I heard you killed so and so") I get like this weird feeling, kind of like butterflies in my stomach. For some odd reason he makes me nervous, and I'm not really sure why. :/ All I have to say is that he's an awesome OA and a great guy to look up to. Very role-model-esque and like pretty much the perfect guy. Any girl would be lucky to have him. The End. :)"

i could go on...well on my way to keeping up with my goal...one a day keeps the umm...other boys away?? hahaha...

last night...totally not even in his direction, it was nice though:) and random...but totally cute!

man, im getting the chills just typing/thinking about it.

:)

ninth [[why]]

So I came across this quote, and I think it describes my love life oh so very well...think back to a couple of blogs ago, I believe, and you may see why...but then again explanation could be required...I think the quote speaks pretty much for itself though:

"So there's this boy I know,

He's kinda like a star

I know that reaching for him is impossible

But I always keep trying

Just hoping that just somehow

He'll fall for me"

Why? How do I somehow manage to find the perfect things like these [[the dead-on quotes..well, even in this sense, the perfect guy]]? Why can't I get him out of my head? Why can't I just be done with it? Why am I thinking that? Why does he always seem to find a way to pop back in? Why does he manage to say the sweetest things? Why can't he see how hard/far he's made me fall? Why can he not see that the more he tries to be nice about everything, the more it unintentionally hurts in the end? Why can't he just say what he's thinking? Why does it have to be this way? Why can't I just finally have some answers? Why must things have to be so complicated? Why is he so nice and oh so perfect? Why can't more guys be like this? Why can't he just be a jerk, so I can be done with it? Why can't I find a REAL flaw in him? Why is his only flaw not even a negative one? WHY?

...I would tell you everything about him, but then I'm afraid you'd fall in love with him too..

eighth [[it suddenly makes more sense]]

Just some good stuff from Greg Behrendt...sums it up quite well, actually:

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Calling when you say you're going to call is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house, baby. And it's cold outside.

Everyone wants to be loved and needed, particularly by the person who just broke up with us. I understand. What could be better than hearing from the man who just told you he didn't want you in his life anymore ... his sad, wistful, "I miss you so much" voice on the other end of the phone? It's validating. It's exciting. It's irresistible. But resist you must.

A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves. If he's not calling you to tell you he loves you and wants you back, it should only be because he's showing up at your new residence to do it in person ... if he's not doing any of that, he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he's just not that into you. Stop taking his calls and let him know what it's like to live without you.

Don't be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You're deeply missable. However, he's still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you.

((more like "...he's still the same person who cheated on you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he chose to make that, well those, decisions."))

He's sniffing for something better, and when he doesn't find it, he gets lonely and comes "home." It's not that he's so into you. It's that he's so not into being alone. Don't give him the chance to break up with you for the fourth time. (Even the idea of it sounds beneath you, doesn't it?) Reset your breakup maximum to one and move on.

Deciding to get back together with someone is a complicated and difficult decision. Just remember that the person you are getting back together with is the same person who, not long before, looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company.

((more like "and all your qualities, and told you that you and only you weren't good enough. that he needed the company of someone else to fulfill what you weren't."))

Breakups, I've heard, are supposed to be just that. Breaks. Hard, clean breaks. No talking, no seeing, no touching ... keep your hands to yourself. The relationship is over. Half the people I know move after a huge breakup, and frankly that makes perfect sense to me. You're not supposed to sleep with the guy who just broke your heart a week ago. Fine. Next time I'm in this situation I'll cry. Stay in bed and wail. Go to the gym if I can. Call all my friends and burden them with my misery. Sleep too much. Cry some more. See my therapist more often. Get a puppy. Do whatever I have to so eventually I can move on.

Cut him off. Let him miss you.

No matter how powerful and real your feelings may be for someone, if that person cannot fully and honestly return them and therefore actively love you back, these feelings mean nothing.

Being lonely ... being alone ... for many people ... sucks. I get it, I get it, I get it. But still I have to say that yes, my belief is that being with somebody who makes you feel shitty or doesn't honor the person you are is worse.

You deserve to be with someone who is nice to you all the time.

There's no doubt about it-breakups suck. But in the first few hours or days or weeks that follow, there's one important truth you need to recognize: Some things can't and shouldn't be fixed, especially that loser who dumped you or forced you to dump him. It's over for a reason, and deep down inside you probably know what that reason is.

At the end of the day, it's about weather YOU like yourself enough to face the reality that your romance wasn't working.. to recognize that it wasn't giving you what you needed and deserved.

A lot of the pain you are experiencing right now is auctually fear. Fear of things being different then how you liked them, fear of never finding love again, fear of being alone, fear of having to fill your time differently. We're afraid of the unknown.

The person you loved took a good long look at the awesomeness that is you, evaluated your relationship together, and said, "No, thanks. I'll try my luck elsewhere." Or you said it to him. Either way, that alone should make you realize that it wasn't a match made in heaven.

"I don't know" means "NO!"

"I don't know" means "I'm too cowardly to tell you the truth because I can't deal with confrontation."

"I don't know" means please do the dirty work for me becasue I don't want to hurt your feelings even more then I already have.

Every moment of pain, weakness, and discomfort puts you in a positon to choose how you will react and how you will alleviate your condition. Calling him doesn't make it better.. it only pulls you back into the cycle of heartbreak.

He is the past. You are the future.

Messing up his life isn't the best revenge. It's getting on with yours and living it to the fullest.

One of the suckiest and most frustrating facts of life is that sometimes rela tionships just end, often without reason. I truly believe that some­times both men and women simply run out of love, even when there was a lot of it in the beginning.

As much as it sucks, you need to FORCE youself to remember your very worst times together, ..his most irritating habits and the hard truth that not only can he live without you.. but he'd rather.

You're giving an okay guy who cheats on his girlfriend a hell of a lot more credit than he deserves. He's a coward and a betrayer of not one but TWO women. He clearly feels ambivalent about you at best.. otherwise, he would have left this other woman a long time ago.

So many of us find ourselves saying "BUT HE WAS SO GREAT!" Yes, and the people who got on the Titanic thought they were going on vacation. Things changed and it's important to remember that they did.

His regrets or lack thereof are exactly that- his . and not even the best little black cocktail dress can change that.

The one who dumped you has had a huge head start on the healing. However long he entertained ending the realationship is also how long he's been emotionally extracting himself from you.

He was either partially or totally over it before you even knew it was going down.

You weren't in the same realationship. That should answer ALL your questions.

You can love your friends.. ..you can love your family ... you can even love every stray dog or stray drummer that crosses your path. HOWEVER, you have to learn how to love yourself, like yourself, and put yourself first before you will ever find the healthy, loving, and lasting realtionship that you've been looking for.

seventh [[a moment of realization]]

So much stuff has been going on lately, I just don't know where to begin.

I really want to tell him...I wonder if he knows...?? Sometimes I wish he would just ask-because then, I'd HAVE to answer, and in that case, I'd know that he knew! I just can't be that blunt with someone so offhandedly and out of nowhere though...I wish it came that easily to me. Because I mean, I can so easily tell everyone else how I feel about him and all that good stuff...like everyone knows, so maybe he does, too...? Hmmm... I'm tired of dating the jerks/a**holes, I finally found the one truely nice guy that I WANT to date, but I don't know how to go about it, well, I mean I know there are plenty of things that I CAN do to let him know, but I need that one thing, the re-assurance that I won't ((as he has once done)) put it all out there and look like a total a** if he doesn't feel the same way,...in turn causing the most awkward moment of my life...but then again, he's done that once before, so he'd totally know where I was coming from...maybe I should go for it...gosh, I wasn't too disappointed that the movie plans changed (I was wondering about it anyways..), I just hope that we can go sometime soon...or at least hang out sometime, hopefully with fewer people or even none at all so that we can get to know each other more...whether it takes us anywhere or not. I was so close once,...so close. The end of "The Holiday" was nice, though :) Maybe sometime during Padre...just maybe...hopefully--((a walk along the beach would be nice, though...totally cute and romantical)) ;) ! Wow-so our conversation in the OAsis last night...Trip was hilarious. And thanks to Joe and Erica. lol. I'm not looking for that "perfect first kiss", but it does have to be at the right moment...that'd be perfect enough. I'm glad I didn't "actually" kiss the last two guys...and by "actually" I mean longer than the time it takes to snap my fingers. They didn't deserve it...maybe it would have seemed right then, but it's not something that I regret not doing with them...and now when I look back, I'm glad that I waited. And, yeah I know it's a kiss and to some people (or most people-from what was told to me last night) that's all it is-just a kiss, but to me it IS a big thing mostly because of my beliefs about abstinence and such (and yes, I know, Trip) kissing and sex are two WAY different things and there is a lot left out in between, but I hold kissing to a lot higher standard than some people do...I don't just throw them away, especially if I'm not actually "with" the person...and TJ, No, I'm not just going to do it just to get it over with...I'm going to do it only if there is true meaning or intent behind it, and of course I'm serious about that--3 boyfriends...the last guy I was with for two 2 years, and still no one has gotten anything but a quick peck. It's not that I didn't want to (at that moment) with the last guy, but because I haven't actually kiss kissed a guy before, I am most likely NOT going to make the first move because I don't feel confident enough that I'd know what I'm doing...if he wants to though ((I mean, as long as we are bf/gf...I highly doubt any of this "well, what if he wanted to" business, TJ--the only way that'd happen is if the moment was that incredibly right, and I can only think of one person that could possibly be THAT exception, but I'm still not saying that I'd do it...it just depends on the timing)) go for it, AND if I'm feeling it and think that that's THAT moment, then I'll go along with him...I just ((most likely)) won't initiate anything ((okay, maybe hand holding--haha...but not the whole kissing thing)). Oh! And that brings us to the hugging thing..if you get a hug from me ((that I initiated)) consider yourself "special" because those as well, I won't initiate..but that's just to avoid the awkward "do I hug or not" thing...so yeah...lets just say there are "certain" hugs that have totally turned my day around because they were totally out of nowhere and just so confidently done...I could've just that easily pulled away or do a horrible pat on the back thing or just given a terrible --not right hug like I was told by my first boyfriend ((apparently I gave him wrong hugs)) haha oh well...he was a jerk anyways. I will find that one guy that none of this matters to...the one that respects my beliefs, and if he loves me enough, is willing to wait for the right time...even if its just for a kiss ((nothing--until I'm married--comes after that kiss(*cough*TJ))). My sole intention is just that kiss! Once again, going back to Him ((Quailman))...little does he know that when he walks by or waves/says hi and/or somehow acknowledgesme, a smile grows right across my face, sometimes I feel like I'm super blushing or "cheesin'"...but I can't change how I react to that...it just happens! The butterflies that he gives me are different than the ones I've gotten before...the feeling seems to be better...happier. And it's not like I'm feeling like that because I'm supposed to, but the reaction just happens...I just react!

That was from something I'd written a while back...there's more to come eventally...

but until then...

A bit earlier today I was filling out this application for this scholarship, and it said to be creative and answer these questions in a very conversational-like way...and I just loved this question: "What is the greatest "life lesson" that you have learned so far in your life?"--so pretty much, I didn't want to answer it with something super typical, but at the same time not something outlandish either...so because we were on a limited-word basis, I wrote:

"When you think you're in love for the first time, that could be exactly what it is: a thought. After watching "The Holiday," I feel that Arthur (the old neighbor to Amanda, that Iris bonds so much with) sums it up quite well: that when you are in love with someone, they can do so many "bad" things, but the moment they do that one good thing, you forget about all the bad things they had once done. I wish I could have noticed that sooner, but I waited two years. Two years that could've been spent with someone that truly made me happy."

But yeah...I think I'm done for the night...

so until I get another break in time...

Goodnight!

sixth [[the adventures of quailman]]

quailman.

His hugs are amazing ((funshop, sj, ci))! He always knows how to make me smile whether he does it purposely or not. These past two weeks have been more awesome and have made me more happy than ______ ever did these past two years...and he doesn't even know it.

No matter how corny high fives are, the more he does them...the cuter they become...especially when we do them until we get it right...even if it means like five times.

If people bring up my love life/oddities he tells them to stop picking on me.

He "gets cold" and shares my blanket...twice.

He "stopped traffic" for me and helped me up from the steps in front of the capitol.

He checks to see if I'm on myspace, pokes fun, but then tells me its okay. lol.

He makes me feel like the middle school girl I once was...feeling all "giddy" because he talks to me.

He's so thoughtful and nice and I feel a sense of safety when he's around.

Ohhh...yeah! And he's cute too! :)

I really do want to tell him..but I think he may already know...but then again, I'm not that bold to just go up to a guy and tell him that...if he asked or something or someone else did in front of him, then I wouldn't lie...I may just stall for fear of a large awkward moment. I just wish I knew how he'd react to hearing this...I want to know if he feels anywhere near the same way as I do at all about him.

He's the first guy that I can go on and on about with a list of reasons why I like himm ...it's not something I have to search for or think about ..they just keep coming.

He thought it was sooo crazy that he llied to some filming guy about being in their high school and thought that was the craziest thing he'd ever done along with spilling to this girl how he felt about her-that was cute!

He remembers things...like that _________ was the friend I went to New York with...and random other stuff like the kissing thing.

With him it's all the little things that have made me fall so fast. I was told that I'd never do good enough to find my perfect guy, ...but I have found a guy that not only does the big things, but the small things, too:

--He does drink, but he doesn't try to hide it, and

--he's also 21 ((so it's legal)),

--he can/knows how to have fun without drinking,

--he congratulates me for things/lets me know when I do something good...

--he shows appreciation,

--he likes to go out on pointless walks and drives and

--he appreciates what I think is good music ((haha))..the same goes with movies, too, --he cusses the same way I do ((and that's cussing with two s's)),

--And, if I'm around, he always tries to include me whether in convo, playing a game, or even reading a magazine/being on the computer...

--...

If only all guys were like this...

I think I've found what I think to be the closest to 100% perfect a guy will get..

Now I just need to up my game and let him know everything I've just said...

I have yet to find a flaw.

fourth and fifth [the breakup]

these two postings were just lyrics to two very perfect-for-the-situation taylor swift songs. no explanations were necessary for these at all b/c the songs themselves said just what needed to be said. 
preface: i dont go looking for songs to fit situations. its not like i google "songs about guys that cheat" or anything of the sort...but they find me. i turn the radio on and a song will start playing either from the beginning if the whole song fits...or itll start like at the chorus...and i cant help but just laugh b/c they fit the current situation or something that id just talked about or given thought to or just have flat out experienced at some point in time. so, instead of putting the lyrics on here, ill just post the links to the lyrics: 

Should've Said No

Picture to Burn

there is a "breakup" letter and whatnot...but those things have never been posted online...well, with the exception of when the letter was sent to the aforementioned person haha...but nothing publicly. and yes, it was a letter...sent online. bc why the %#$^ would i waste five hours of my time...and gas to go and break it off with someone that wont even answer his phone bc he knows whats coming. i mean, in all reality, he basically did the breaking off himself bc he knew what would happen if he ever cheated. "see ya." 

anyway, what i was getting to is...if you are interested in the oh so great breakup letter or are the least bit curious...stay tuned. i plan on writing a book one day, and what youve been reading are bits and pieces. this blog is just a glimpse into the future, and well...obviously, a bit of the past as well.

third [[just an old little blip]]

sooo..answering some of these questions made some other random thoughts go through my head..like the whole pet peeve thing....well, when someone says they'll call you, and then the day goes by and they never do...i mean, they dont have to say theyll call. i hate when that happens. just dont be like yeah ill call you, no really i will, and then leave someone hanging. this bugs the heck out of me...if youre not gonna call, dont say you will..and if whoever youre talking to says 'ok..well will u call me after...then?' dont freakin say 'ok' if you dont know for sure if ur going to or not, id rather you just say u wont or u might....not u will.....that just makes no sense to me! ugh!

second [old]

just another random note...lol...:

my weekend started thursday after class...with a like 5 hour drive to nac...all through the random little country towns out in the boonies lol but it was all worth it..even if it was just for not even a full day. it was amazing! we got there to meet him..and it was funny...when we were driving to meet him there, and saw the sign "mt enterprise population 525" my stomach started getting all "knot-ty" lol...i like had butterflies in my stomach and we've only (sarcasm) been together for over a year...lol...i was like blushing the whole time bc i was sooo excited! when he drove up i could feel my heart beating like lots faster and when i finally saw him i was just in such like awe i didnt know what to say so im almost positive i laughed or something,..and i felt like i just kept acting goofy at first bc i was so nervous (im not really sure why)...and that reminded of the professor talking about the long distance relationships being better at times bc its like a lot of first dates...and i guess having that feeling on a 'first' date is normal...but i dunno..im just rambling now...but then he went to pick his friend up so i went to drop off the girls that rode with me @ sfa and went over and met them all back up at walmart and finally got to meet his sister..well the oldest one and ..not to mention like one of the cutest babies in the world...when he picked her up i was just like gah thats sooo freakin adorable and hott lol...i love guys that love babies and get along with kids...talk about a major point score-er lol....and luckily i think the baby liked me....she kept smiling so i was like 'wahoo' haha...and then we were leaving and he asked her to give him some sugar..and she just leaned in and let him kiss her bc she was too busy playing with her new baby doll...aw! yay! then..movie-time! haha....hopefully i didnt super completely kill ur arm or hand...i told you i would jump even if i knew something was about to jump out lol...man i got freaked out quite a few times! lol...and no. i still dont completely understand it! :/ then ihop...i couldnt pretend to be mad! what were they thinkin...mmm..bacon! lol...omg! now we have to drive for what seemed to be like a year and a half to his sisters house...i scared myself so bad...i almost wanted to cry lol...talk about completely overdoing/reacting to things haha..lets just say i dont like the dark. :/ finally made it back to her house...made the biggest mess in my car trying to unpack without actually unpacking....just taking out necessary things...in the dark. lol...doesnt work too well that way...we went in..changed to our pajamas..and decided to watch some movie that his sister bought for us to watch...talk about the worst movie ever!...soo pointless and really stupid....saw some boobs..and some guy's really white butt lol....yeah....kinda awkward but oh well..we just laughed and made fun of the movie some more! slept on our "palette" lol.. ive never heard anyone call it that, but i thought it was funny...couldnt go to sleep for the longest time....layed there and finished watching that movie, then started watching christmas with the kranks....and ended up falling asleep...went to roll over this morning and went boom into what i finally realized was a back haha...hello! lol got up......he thought i like disappeared or sumthin...i guess maybe the grudge couldve sucked me in lol...we forced ourselves to finally get ready...left and went up to sfa...went to the library for no reason...got some random girl to take r pic...photo. major lol...hmm....got the car picked up vicktorya....then said r goodbyes :( ...it was kinda awkward at first bc sooo many ppl were like walkin all around...that was over with quickly and i was disappoointed in myself...started on my way bak to my car..realized i forgot my camera....he still had it. i called him and ran over to get it from him...and i think i didnt get it from him for a reason i guess...its like He gave me a do-over...another chance to do what i wished i had've done when i first saw him thursday night... and luckily i did! that was the end of my great and awesome weekend with him and i already started missing him before i even got bak to my car to leave lol...anyways....just felt the need to write this haha...

...its cute pudge! lol... I LOVE YOU!

first ever. short and simple.

sooo...it's amazing how much you can find out about a person in the matter of one night..more like one phone call..wow...it was sooo much to take in at once...im not really sure what to think now...i mean what would you do if someone youve known over a year suddenly wasnt the "same" person they were when you first met...who cares about someone thinking less of you...when you're going to tell that person over a year later that what you first told them wasnt actually true...what if i did the same thing?!...would you or would you not be mad?...

the start.

this really isn't the first time i'll blog, but the first time i've blogged here.  

though i'm not so much a fan of writing, i still have my moments when great thoughts pop into my head...or people just give me material to write some great stuff with. journalism major? yes. like writing? eh. care about grammar and punctuation [[well, capital letters and unnecessary ellipses]]? like whoa!...just not on here...well, not all the time.

for the start, i'll just be posting blogs that i've previously written, giving me time to actually work on my "list" of sorts i have going.

and to preface: the majority [[if not all]] of my stuff will have to do with relationships. so basically, i'm the taylor swift of blogging. this stuff will be the good, the bad, and the ugly. and if you really are curious...everything said is based on true events...you can figure out who each person is on your own. if you know me well enough, then you'll probably figure out very quickly who each person is that i'm talking about...and if you don't know me, well...i guess it will always remain a mystery.

anyway...i hope you like what i have to say...or if anything, are the least bit entertained by it.