So much stuff has been going on lately, I just don't know where to begin.
I really want to tell him...I wonder if he knows...?? Sometimes I wish he would just ask-because then, I'd HAVE to answer, and in that case, I'd know that he knew! I just can't be that blunt with someone so offhandedly and out of nowhere though...I wish it came that easily to me. Because I mean, I can so easily tell everyone else how I feel about him and all that good stuff...like everyone knows, so maybe he does, too...? Hmmm... I'm tired of dating the jerks/a**holes, I finally found the one truely nice guy that I WANT to date, but I don't know how to go about it, well, I mean I know there are plenty of things that I CAN do to let him know, but I need that one thing, the re-assurance that I won't ((as he has once done)) put it all out there and look like a total a** if he doesn't feel the same way,...in turn causing the most awkward moment of my life...but then again, he's done that once before, so he'd totally know where I was coming from...maybe I should go for it...gosh, I wasn't too disappointed that the movie plans changed (I was wondering about it anyways..), I just hope that we can go sometime soon...or at least hang out sometime, hopefully with fewer people or even none at all so that we can get to know each other more...whether it takes us anywhere or not. I was so close once,...so close. The end of "The Holiday" was nice, though :) Maybe sometime during Padre...just maybe...hopefully--((a walk along the beach would be nice, though...totally cute and romantical)) ;) ! Wow-so our conversation in the OAsis last night...Trip was hilarious. And thanks to Joe and Erica. lol. I'm not looking for that "perfect first kiss", but it does have to be at the right moment...that'd be perfect enough. I'm glad I didn't "actually" kiss the last two guys...and by "actually" I mean longer than the time it takes to snap my fingers. They didn't deserve it...maybe it would have seemed right then, but it's not something that I regret not doing with them...and now when I look back, I'm glad that I waited. And, yeah I know it's a kiss and to some people (or most people-from what was told to me last night) that's all it is-just a kiss, but to me it IS a big thing mostly because of my beliefs about abstinence and such (and yes, I know, Trip) kissing and sex are two WAY different things and there is a lot left out in between, but I hold kissing to a lot higher standard than some people do...I don't just throw them away, especially if I'm not actually "with" the person...and TJ, No, I'm not just going to do it just to get it over with...I'm going to do it only if there is true meaning or intent behind it, and of course I'm serious about that--3 boyfriends...the last guy I was with for two 2 years, and still no one has gotten anything but a quick peck. It's not that I didn't want to (at that moment) with the last guy, but because I haven't actually kiss kissed a guy before, I am most likely NOT going to make the first move because I don't feel confident enough that I'd know what I'm doing...if he wants to though ((I mean, as long as we are bf/gf...I highly doubt any of this "well, what if he wanted to" business, TJ--the only way that'd happen is if the moment was that incredibly right, and I can only think of one person that could possibly be THAT exception, but I'm still not saying that I'd do it...it just depends on the timing)) go for it, AND if I'm feeling it and think that that's THAT moment, then I'll go along with him...I just ((most likely)) won't initiate anything ((okay, maybe hand holding--haha...but not the whole kissing thing)). Oh! And that brings us to the hugging thing..if you get a hug from me ((that I initiated)) consider yourself "special" because those as well, I won't initiate..but that's just to avoid the awkward "do I hug or not" thing...so yeah...lets just say there are "certain" hugs that have totally turned my day around because they were totally out of nowhere and just so confidently done...I could've just that easily pulled away or do a horrible pat on the back thing or just given a terrible --not right hug like I was told by my first boyfriend ((apparently I gave him wrong hugs)) haha oh well...he was a jerk anyways. I will find that one guy that none of this matters to...the one that respects my beliefs, and if he loves me enough, is willing to wait for the right time...even if its just for a kiss ((nothing--until I'm married--comes after that kiss(*cough*TJ))). My sole intention is just that kiss! Once again, going back to Him ((Quailman))...little does he know that when he walks by or waves/says hi and/or somehow acknowledgesme, a smile grows right across my face, sometimes I feel like I'm super blushing or "cheesin'"...but I can't change how I react to that...it just happens! The butterflies that he gives me are different than the ones I've gotten before...the feeling seems to be better...happier. And it's not like I'm feeling like that because I'm supposed to, but the reaction just happens...I just react!
That was from something I'd written a while back...there's more to come eventally...
but until then...
A bit earlier today I was filling out this application for this scholarship, and it said to be creative and answer these questions in a very conversational-like way...and I just loved this question: "What is the greatest "life lesson" that you have learned so far in your life?"--so pretty much, I didn't want to answer it with something super typical, but at the same time not something outlandish either...so because we were on a limited-word basis, I wrote:
"When you think you're in love for the first time, that could be exactly what it is: a thought. After watching "The Holiday," I feel that Arthur (the old neighbor to Amanda, that Iris bonds so much with) sums it up quite well: that when you are in love with someone, they can do so many "bad" things, but the moment they do that one good thing, you forget about all the bad things they had once done. I wish I could have noticed that sooner, but I waited two years. Two years that could've been spent with someone that truly made me happy."
But yeah...I think I'm done for the night...
so until I get another break in time...
Goodnight!
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